I do want to admit that for me, the CMJ Festival was the certainly a very big time event, being at MOMA and hosted by Ira Glass and everything. Usually I like to write about an experience right away, while it is fresh in my head. But I couldn’t bear to think about this til now.
This festival experience was just so different. I had no idea I would wind up blowing it so badly – I honestly thought I could handle this for sure.
Oh I was wrong. It turned out so wrong. I can’t think about it – it really, really does hurt even now to be exact.
Was it Ira Glass?
I have to ask myself that question… otherwise, why was I so messed up that night?
You know, before I ever left home, I had imagined any/all answers to whatever I figured they would ask in a Q&A – Finally now having some inside/useful experience answering past festival questions. I was pretty confident and didn’t actually need to or want to think twice about it.
Geez, but that night at the CMJ for some strange reason, I was of no use when Ira Glass started to ask stuff. I knew precisely what I wanted to say but it never came out.. who in the living hell was talking for me that night?
When it was all over, I woke up in LA and began to kick myself around the block for the next week and longer.
Looking back, I am grateful to say that Ira was an amazing prince of a guy.. he tried so hard to give us all the chance to redeem ourselves, clearly he believed in the film.. only wanting us to come up with something – anything to warrant his inspired endorsement..
But what little cornball robotic answers he heard from me at least, fell way f…g short – and especially of “prestigious alliance worthy”. I only finally realized I wasn’t there once he looked at me and started to ask stuff.. .. That’s right when I personally found out I was actually out of commission and just observing the whole event
I sincerely liked the guy.. I thought him so worth anyone’s highest admiration.. Although I did not know him, I can say I personally felt a very elevated – and some kind of magical – vibe from him…Maybe it was just his celebrity status. . but I can tell you for sure he was acting like the best greatest guy ever that night at the MOMA/CMJ Festival…..A completely humble illustrious sweet guy trying to do the damn right thing for posterity.
Okay but now here is where it’s gets ugly though….
There we were at the Q&A.. Frank and Cindy…Nobody much cared if I was stuck in a hotel room with Frank days before and he snores so loud that you can hear him through the walls..(which is why he sleeps/lives in the basement).. so anyway, I did not sleep one wink for two full days.. but there I was at the official MOMA Q&A anyway…It was exactly surreal.
I heard Ira asking simple questions like for instance ” what did you think when you first saw the film?
Well for some lame reason someone (not me) took over and answered.. “I cried for two days”?
Okay cried for two days?.. not quite .. actually when I saw the film I thought well, I see where he is going with this, okay, then he is trying to get some attention/reaction from all the alcoholic parents I guess? Good.
But so why oh why did I say cried for two freaking days may I ask?
Now I can only guess that It was because I was frozen – or maybe felt so badly about some of the reprehensible things I had done to GJ’s life….so probably it might make sense to say that, or is all I can come up with right at the moment anyway..
And then Ira asked me “what part would you take out of the film..”
So my brilliant answer was ” the part in he park (f.. what? for pete’s sake).. and then I .. or whoever who took over my body said… “Yes, the scene in the park.. I had no idea he had those pictures..”
yikes, I had every idea he had those pictures and what on earth.. What I meant to say was the truth for a change apparently – Which was ” Nothing.. I wouldn’t take out anything from the film” mainly because it was all true. Somebody needs to see the aftermath of alcoholic “parenting” maybe think twice. .. well but unless it was the “Wacky Wacky” part because It wasn’t quite wacky enough to rate an okay wacky in my estimation…
Then Ira asked “what part would you leave in” .. and I said as if I was retarded;
“hee hee the part where I was in a parking lot with the birds because it made me look good” (?)
true answer being “everything, like I just said”
Then I heard an audience member ask GJ “what about exploitation”. and so on..
I should have interjected something at that point..
All the while I was thinking.. “Exploitation?..who…where? “what about” child abuse. Or let’s say child neglecting drunk parents “what about”. a little straight A student 6 year old… helpless and hiding in a closet all day because mom worked and had no way to transport child to school (only because step dad took family car out of state for exploiting music career dream)
Shouldn’t I have said a little of THIS? What was wrong with me.. I was a spectator.. I was a passenger… I just wasn’t there..
I know it was partially due to not sleeping for 72 hours but aside from that.. I swear I wasn’t even there that very important night in New York… and I will never forgive myself.. I just can’t think about it.
(Originally posted 12/3/2007)